Autumn's World

I have slept maybe 5 hours total in the past few days. My daughter just hit six months old and is going through a mental leap. It is definitely the ugly side of parenting. When your infant goes through  a mental leap or growth spurt that means you don't get much rest. My eyes are blurry and my hands are shaky. My frustration is on the rise and I am trying to remain calm. I love her and I am a good mommy, that's what I have to keep telling myself. If I don't I'm afraid I might just leave my husband to fend for himself. I can't do that though I do love her too much. My daughter is screaming and laughing and playing. She stops for just a moment to smile at me. That is when my heart melts and I come back to my happy place. She is my best friend. My insomnia and anxiety on the other hand, they loathe me. They keep me up for days and exhaust me further. They burn me out to the point that I scream at my husband and threaten to leave. I wish I could enjoy this life that I h

You were only two days old I was alone with you  Exhausted from giving you life no sleep in sight I love you  you won't stop crying and sleep You only sleep when you eat I am trying to stay awake  I didn't mean to fall asleep  I'm sorry, so sorry  I fell asleep  you were in my arms  so peaceful, eating  you fell asleep so beautifully on my chest  I watched as you took breath after breath I was so tired I kept trying to push through the exhaustion  it was two in the morning You are okay now but I fell asleep I woke up to screams you were on the floor I'm sorry I fell asleep you are growing wonderfully but I constantly think of that day you had two fractures in your skull and a brain bleed you are so smart at almost 6 months old I couldn't be happier but it still weighs heavy on my mind I don't know what the future holds for you what if something is wrong? I can't help but to overthink I love you more than

THE BAD: Being a mom is not all sunshine and rainbows. It does not matter if you are are young or old, motherhood is hard! Do not get me wrong, I love being a mommy. When I wake up to her smile it makes my day just that much better, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I don't want to wake up and change a diaper. Sometimes I don't want to breastfeed, but I do it because I love her. Being a mom is exhausting!  Okay now that I have the typical ranting out of the way, I can tell you how I truly feel. I feel alone. I feel isolated and even if I'm in a room full of people I feel lonely. I suffer from manic depression and now they say I am suffering from postpartum depression. In other words having a baby pushed my manic depression into overdrive! Little do people know is that this makes motherhood ten times harder on me. My manic phases will cause me to stay up for days looking through Facebook or youtube and even eBay, just to pass the time. It will cause me to feel ove

THE GOOD: I am a typical first time mom, I wanted my little girl to have all the cute monogrammed onesies and blankies. I wanted her to be the cute, bow wearing beauty I know she is. Well, it was going to be that way and kind of still is. She wears pink and floral and sometimes dresses. I can sometimes sneak a bow. My daughter is a beautiful five month old, vibrant and the life of the party everyday. Autumn is very lucky because she has both of her parents, we are married, and she has so many grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, etcetera. She is beyond blessed. My little beauty is a feisty redhead that can get whatever she wants with just a simple cry or a giggle. Her blue eyes will pierce your soul and make you think twice about all of your life choices. This sweet girl of mine made me realize that God is real. She has shown me innocence, beauty, and love that I have never seen before in my almost twenty-three years of life. As I write this first post of many she is a